Breaking the social contract of the kitchen

What do we have today? A sloppy mess? Sort of. 

Here we have four mugs, which by all appearances are clean. But really, is this where you put clean dishes? Is this where you put any dishes? Is that a sponge caddy? The fuck it is.

Let's see where the social contract of kitchen usage broke down.

Well glad to see you employed street people could not get past Rule No. 1. This list hangs at eye-level above the sink. All one needs to do is look up and it is staring them directly in the face. Hmmm, it doesn't say much about sponge etiquette. Oh wait... just turn your head to the left.

So it is confirmed. You are all stupid slobs and you are all illiterate.

The Dark Side of the Sink

I do not anticipate walking into the kitchen, seeing the surroundings and then feeling pride in the care my coworkers have toward others in their ability to clean up after themselves. No, I do not ever anticipate having a feeling of pride brought on by the snapperheads that continually pollute the sink. This morning though, I was not as outraged.

Why would I be proud of this familiar scene? Well don't you see... that is a CLEAN bottle of dish soap in the sink. One might construe that as an infantile step in the right direction. Unfortunately, these adults with the social responsibility of mere infants stopped their progress towards metaphorical bipedal motion there. Still we see a sponge and both dish scrubbers in the sink.

"The sink surface is not filthy enough, I think I will jam the cleaning implements business-end first into the Sarlacc-esque chasm that is infested with all sorts of fun bacterial beasties."

While I appreciate your attention to Star Wars references in your thought process, I want to suspend you in the air with The Force and wing clementines at you from a short distance away. "Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering."

Don't you see that your lack of cleanliness is the path to the dark side? Also, I fear that I hate you and I will make you suffer if this shit keeps up, you freaking window-licker.

Speaking of windows, what is going on here?

Is it just me, or is this an exorbitant amount of vases to have? Was there at one point this many people with flowers in their cubes and offices? You know what this is? More fucking laziness.

"Oh my petunia died. I am going to plop the vase in the kitchen and hope somebody else uses it."

I guess I should just be thankful that they are clean.

Cup found, slobs abound

Apparently, the thief heard our cacophony yesterday over the theft of the red plastic cup. When the rightful owner of the chalice returned to work this morning it was sitting, filled with ice water in the cube which this individual occupies. 

You can see the artist's rendering was spot-on. So stealing this cup was fucked up, but I suppose returning it full of icy cold water is a peace offering? The trace evidence was disturbed so fingerprint could not be obtained.

Come with me on into the kitchen. What did we have today?

Well you morons, this isn't that bad. Though once again the dish scrubber is in the sink. I forgot to snap a picture of it, but there is a sign posted above the sink that actually reminds the slobanterthals who use the sink NOT to leave the sponge or brush in the sink. You can't clean up after yourselves, why would I assume you could read?

You know, nothing says "Ivy League Education" more than a dirty dish ring on a mug that you left for one of your servants to clean while you scuttled off to a capella practice Chet. I mean this in all seriousness; FUCK CORNELL.

Maybe Chester was on the go and did not have time to unload the dishwasher, so they absentmindedly tossed this dishware into the sink.

Well fuck you very much Chet. You lazy a-hole. Not only did you deliver cadavers to the alumni dinner, but you also inconsiderately left a filthy mug in the sink for somebody else to deal with. Don't worry Chet, you wont miss polo practice. I will put it in the dishwasher. Oh, and I will get that brush for you too.

I think that its over. I check in the morning because people do this shit after hours when there are no witnesses like me around. Please believe I would drop them like a bad habit, verbally of course. So in the late afternoon I am startled to get beckoned to the kitchen by a clean kitchen sympathizer.

"The soap is in the kitchen," said my snitch.

"What? Huh? WhowhathefuckmygreatgollymissmollyAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH," I said coherently.

"Check it out," snitch added, "Its crusty."

So after I threw up on the floor, which I cleaned, I snapped this close up.

"Oh that can't be dirty, its soap! Soap can't be dirty," said the imaginary sink polluter in my head.

"I hate you," I said, maybe to the imaginary voice or maybe right at the soap bottle and crusty scum. What does that look like to you anyway? Do you want me to say it? Damn you I will say it if you don't. Don't make me say it. SMEGMA. And why in the holy hell is this in the sink?

I don't fucking understand you people. I can forensically reconstruct most of the stupid things you all do that lead to dirty dishes in the sink, but this is bloody baffling. It doesn't make sense. There is plenty of space 2.5 feet to the right on the counter. What is keeping you from lifting the soap up 7 inches and placing it slowly down on that counter? Its almost like, you people are rude piles of monkey dung without any actual logic or thought process.

CLEAN UP YOUR SHIT!

Have you seen this cup?

I was actually surprised to find the sink nearly clear of refuse this morning. Sure, the dish soap, the sponge and the scrub brush were all deposited in the grimy basin, but no dishes. There was, however, another development. 

A fellow coworker, who usually keeps his drinking utensil at his desk and washes it by hand whenever it is needed, reported to me that his cup had gone missing. This person had of course dared to put this cup in the dishwasher. 

Said coworker, then removed the cup from the dishwasher and it was covered with some slimy black material. I mean, I was not there for that but what the hell? Anyway, this Coworker, who I will refer too now as Pat (you cant tell if its a man or a lady) then put the cup back in the dishwasher a second time. This is when it went missing.

It was sighted on the top shelf of the cabinet sometime over the weekend. No pictures are available, but there is an artist's rendering here:

I am not filled with that much vitriol today, but I will point out that when you leave your dishes in the washer and do not claim them, its tantamount to leaving a sack of kittens in a lion den. That said, a rudimentary scan of the office has yielded no evidence, but I am pretty sure the cup will turn up sooner or later... it will probably end up in the sink covered in shit.

Eat Fresh?

My first point to make here today is regarding this format. A friend, and trusted interwebs guru suggested I move this to Flickr. My confidant claims it would increase visibility and allow people from other offices to post pictures and make this little slobology project more popular. I say Fluck Flickr. This is about my pain and I want absoulte control. So what did I find today?

Yet again, we find a soap container in the sink. This time, however, it is the dish soap. So maybe this perpetrator is saying, "Here, I know what cleans my dishes but I am too big of a lazy inconsiderate ass to actually use it. Quick, somebody with more common sense than me, clean this before I turn into a responsible citizen."

What ho, what lurks behind the dish soap?

For serious? You put a subway cup in the sink to be washed by somebody else? I appreciate your affinity for eating fresh, but screw you, ya damned lazy turd-nugget.

And to the left of the sink, what is in the drying tray?

It is a stack of dubiously washed dishes piled in a cattywampus fashion. What kilsl me here is this:

That would be a dishwasher with clearly enough space to seat all the dishes above and then some.

Don't strain yourself. Let me take care of that for you, ya brain dead gaping anal excrement hole.

Never a disapointment, except always

I wanted to think that on the second official day of this blog that I would be disappointed. I thought that I would not have enough material (or rage) from the slobitude my office is subjected too in the kitchen. I wanted to think, "Hey, people can change, or at the very least, can not be the giant inconsiderate pigs I think they are. I was wrong.

Then I was rewarded (fistfucked) with the scene above. Let's take a closer look.

That would be yet another soap container, the dish soap this time, accompanied by five mugs and a glass just stewing in filth. What is under the sponge?

A mug ringed with whatever dirty goodness you wanted to share with the office, douchebag! At least that one in the middle looks like it was rinsed. Those two on the left though, they are left with the browned remnants of whatever beverage you enjoyed before deciding that you wanted to not clean up your own fucking mess. I appreciate that chunk of smegma in the one in the lower right portion of the frame. Wait, was the dishwasher full?

Yes. It had just finished. I snapped and I grabbed the other person in the kitchen with me and ordered that person to unload the dishwasher with me. I also made that individual unload this hot mess.

That is the dish drainer, filled to capacity with suspiciously washed dishes. I kind of trust the bowls and plates, mostly because they did not have spots or chunks on them, but I definitely did not trust the utensils. I loaded them in the dishwasher (after imposed kitchen friend and I emptied it). I also started investigating the utensil drawer and almost blew an O-Ring. I didn't take a picture of the hot mess I found because I was so enraged by the disorder. The best way to describe what I saw is to say that a hurricane of filth pentrated the cradle of utensile holdership and had a Sheik of Arabi orgy with them. This included a smattering of used birthday candles, a fistfull of (definitely once used) plastic eating implements and one pair of chopsticks that were still in their original non-hermetically sealed paper sleeve. 

I finished my mini-kitchen organization when somebody else entered the room and went to microwave some oatmeal. That is when I found this.

My initial thought was," HAHAHAHA THAT IS FUCKING HYSTERICAL. FUCKING CLEAN THAT SHIT!" Then I thought about it.

The wonderfully sarcastic (yet horribly lazy) person who put the paper towel and spray bottle in the microwave had seen the terrible splatter-spooge in the microwave and decided that rather than take the initiative to help their fellow coworker, they would leave a sarcastic message to the next person. Really? Fuck you.

I stormed off and went to work. 

Later, in the kitchen I witnessed a coworker put the spray bottle and paper towels back in the same microwave.

"Oh, it was you," I said.

"Yes it was me. I cleaned out the other microwave and I want other people who make the mess to take their part."

I sort of understand the motivation, but I was raised to finish any job started. If you clean out one microwave, you clean out the other one. You took the energy and initiative to start, why quit halfway through?

But no. I am going to clean one and then in all to holier than thou mode, I am going to throw a perfectly good and clean roll of paper towels into a filthy marinara sauce infested microwave. To borrow a phrase from Chris Rock, "Who the fuck is you?"

Is the soap so dirty it needs to be washed?

So my previous post served to provide some kind of back story to this endeavor of slobumentation (documentation of slobtometry (the science of slobitude)). I do want to note right here and now that there is a dishwasher directly to the left of the sink.

Today I wandered into the kitchen to get some coffee and as I washed out my personal coffee cup - which I might add that I always wash myself and never leave to the jungle that is our kitchen - I saw a few dishes in the sink.

Here you can see our sink. In fact this is not that bad for what we usually see. A few critiques: CLEAN YOUR FUCKING SHIT UP. Also, do not leave the implements used to clean dishes in the sink. It is not clean. In all likelihood, it is probably dirtier than the toilet. Yes. The sink may in fact be dirtier than a place where human beings repeatedly drop trow and blast a dook.

That said, upon first glance this is not as bad as it can get. Or is it?

Upon closer review, that is the HAND SOAP IN THE SINK! Did some helpful soul think, "Hmm, the hand soap looks a little grubby. We should clean it up. Oh, I know I will put it in the dishwasher. Oh no, the dishwasher is full, so in stead of unloading the washer and then putting the hand soap AND my own fucking filthy dishes into the dishwasher I am going to just leave it in the sink like a filthy animal. Oh I am so special. Quick, somebody wipe my butt in the bathroom because I don't want to get my hands dirty from the disgustingly clean toilet."

Forensically, I know what happened. The thought process above almost assuredly occurred, sans the idea of washing the soap. Somebody this sloppy would never think soap containers could get dirty. How could they? They are filled with cleanly goodness!

This person waddled to the kitchen, saw a full dishwasher (whether dirty or clean dishes, it is irrelevant) and decided to dump their dirty dishes in the sink. This individual then thought, hey, "While I am making a giant fucking mess that somebody else will clean up, I might as well wash my own hands of this whole filthy affair." Upon washing their hands, this walking meat-sack then decided the effort of putting the hand soap back on the side of the sink was too much effort and they just dropped in where they dropped everything else they were done with.

CLEAN UP YOUR SHIT!

The Breaking Point

So who cares about dirty dishes in the sink? I do. It is rude and filthy. Wash your fucking shit. If you are at home (and not in college) would you leave a heaping stack of filthy putrid dishes in the sink for somebody else to clean up? If you are a reasonable person who likes cleanliness you do not. But evidently, I work with troglodytes.

The worst fucking part, is that there is a dishwasher literally inches from the sink. Many times it is full. These people decide that rather than doing their part to help out their coworkers by unloading the dishwasher, they just leave their filthy china in the sink for somebody else to deal with. Oh yeah, they could also hand wash their dishes too, but fuck it - in for a penny, in for a pound.

This blog is dedicated to the documentation (and commentary) of the mess I find in my office kitchen. Why go to the trouble of blogging it? Well repeated assails from myself, others around the office and our HR department have not ceased the continued disregard for basic human decency. One incident above all others pushed me over the edge.

I come into the office on May 13, 2010 and find this:

The sink drainage system was not working for a few days and the entire poison shack (area under the sink filled with cleaning supplies) had to be emptied in order to repair it. Unfortunately, it took maintenance a few days to expedite the repairs. What did this lead to? A dish log jam. Here is the email I sent to the entire office.

Ok,

I have been silent too long.

Many mornings I and a handful of other people I know of have been welcomed in the kitchen by an armada – a plethora if you will – of filthy dishes. Specifically mugs and utensils left in the sink with no discernable trace of soap or clean water. Many times there is also one mug with a dried tea-bag in it. It is disgusting and embarrassing. When this happens I am immediately angry. I begin to clean the dishes and the almost Zen-like task (MAYBE YOU SHOULD TRY IT) calms me down and has kept me from emailing the whole office and wasting your time with these frivolous emails until now. I just went into the kitchen. I took a picture of what I saw and attached it.

If you are on a blackberry, let me describe it to you: four filthy mugs in a row on the counter. One with a quarter cup of coffee, one with a spoon in it, one with a fork in it (and shriveled tea-bag) and one with a knife all presumably dirty. I am glad to see we had the United Nations of unwashed dishes.

As we all know, we cannot use the sink in the kitchen for the time being, but that does not mean that there are not two fully functional sinks working in whichever restroom bears your androgynously-gender-specific stick figure.

My point is this – This office is filled with some of the most intelligent people I have ever met – many of us with prestigious post graduate degrees. Let’s try exercising a bit of common sense and clean up after our selves like an adult. It is embarrassing.

Oh, one more thing. I sit facing the kitchen. I see everything.

Not a sermon, just a thought.

Sincerely,

Kitchen Czar

P.S. – Kind of a sermon.

Despite this scathing email, the problem continued and now you, interwebs, YOU will see the HORROR! THE HORROR!