Cup found, slobs abound

Apparently, the thief heard our cacophony yesterday over the theft of the red plastic cup. When the rightful owner of the chalice returned to work this morning it was sitting, filled with ice water in the cube which this individual occupies. 

You can see the artist's rendering was spot-on. So stealing this cup was fucked up, but I suppose returning it full of icy cold water is a peace offering? The trace evidence was disturbed so fingerprint could not be obtained.

Come with me on into the kitchen. What did we have today?

Well you morons, this isn't that bad. Though once again the dish scrubber is in the sink. I forgot to snap a picture of it, but there is a sign posted above the sink that actually reminds the slobanterthals who use the sink NOT to leave the sponge or brush in the sink. You can't clean up after yourselves, why would I assume you could read?

You know, nothing says "Ivy League Education" more than a dirty dish ring on a mug that you left for one of your servants to clean while you scuttled off to a capella practice Chet. I mean this in all seriousness; FUCK CORNELL.

Maybe Chester was on the go and did not have time to unload the dishwasher, so they absentmindedly tossed this dishware into the sink.

Well fuck you very much Chet. You lazy a-hole. Not only did you deliver cadavers to the alumni dinner, but you also inconsiderately left a filthy mug in the sink for somebody else to deal with. Don't worry Chet, you wont miss polo practice. I will put it in the dishwasher. Oh, and I will get that brush for you too.

I think that its over. I check in the morning because people do this shit after hours when there are no witnesses like me around. Please believe I would drop them like a bad habit, verbally of course. So in the late afternoon I am startled to get beckoned to the kitchen by a clean kitchen sympathizer.

"The soap is in the kitchen," said my snitch.

"What? Huh? WhowhathefuckmygreatgollymissmollyAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH," I said coherently.

"Check it out," snitch added, "Its crusty."

So after I threw up on the floor, which I cleaned, I snapped this close up.

"Oh that can't be dirty, its soap! Soap can't be dirty," said the imaginary sink polluter in my head.

"I hate you," I said, maybe to the imaginary voice or maybe right at the soap bottle and crusty scum. What does that look like to you anyway? Do you want me to say it? Damn you I will say it if you don't. Don't make me say it. SMEGMA. And why in the holy hell is this in the sink?

I don't fucking understand you people. I can forensically reconstruct most of the stupid things you all do that lead to dirty dishes in the sink, but this is bloody baffling. It doesn't make sense. There is plenty of space 2.5 feet to the right on the counter. What is keeping you from lifting the soap up 7 inches and placing it slowly down on that counter? Its almost like, you people are rude piles of monkey dung without any actual logic or thought process.

CLEAN UP YOUR SHIT!

Have you seen this cup?

I was actually surprised to find the sink nearly clear of refuse this morning. Sure, the dish soap, the sponge and the scrub brush were all deposited in the grimy basin, but no dishes. There was, however, another development. 

A fellow coworker, who usually keeps his drinking utensil at his desk and washes it by hand whenever it is needed, reported to me that his cup had gone missing. This person had of course dared to put this cup in the dishwasher. 

Said coworker, then removed the cup from the dishwasher and it was covered with some slimy black material. I mean, I was not there for that but what the hell? Anyway, this Coworker, who I will refer too now as Pat (you cant tell if its a man or a lady) then put the cup back in the dishwasher a second time. This is when it went missing.

It was sighted on the top shelf of the cabinet sometime over the weekend. No pictures are available, but there is an artist's rendering here:

I am not filled with that much vitriol today, but I will point out that when you leave your dishes in the washer and do not claim them, its tantamount to leaving a sack of kittens in a lion den. That said, a rudimentary scan of the office has yielded no evidence, but I am pretty sure the cup will turn up sooner or later... it will probably end up in the sink covered in shit.