Happy Birthday?

So today was my birthday. What did the sink-scofflaw-slobtometrest get me?

Oh, why thank you. I always wanted 8 grimey mugs and two greasy glasses with a nice accompaniment of filthy utensils and bacteria laden sponges. Really, what the fuck is wrong with you? Seriously, this is the type of behavior displayed by serial killers. I fucking hate you. But you can't ruin my birthday.

Sink Surprise

Well, hello again filth-munchkins. Time has been at a premium recently, so your kitchen atrocities have fallen to the back burner. Don't think I have not been watching you. Take for example what was in the sink on Wednesday:

I suppose I can be happy that you left the sponges out of the festering drain. But there you go again, giving the rest of the civilized a middle finger by displaying them atop a pile of plates. And what is under those spent plates?

Orly? Srsly? OMG! GFY. If you don't recognize that last webronym, it stands for GO FUCK YOURSELF!

Crusty

Well it appears you struck again you arrogant jerk.

How many of these dishes do I think are yours? Only one. I think that the mugs are the work of multiple assholes, kind of like a bear that got shot in the ass with a 12-gauge. The bowl, though. The bowl and the sponge, left teetering on three mugs just to taunt those of us with personal hygiene. Who do you think you are?

You seem to think that you are the Bonny Prince Charlie. Somebody who does not need to clean up after one's self. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT FLOATING WHITE THING? I hate you more than standardized testing. Really, what the hell is that crust? There was a sponge there, rather than balancing it on a bunch of mugs like a filthy game of Jenga, why not clean up after yourself ya fucking pig.

One slob, 5 mugs

Ok, listen up fuck stain. Just cause you are the last one in the office, does not mean you can flagrantly disregard common courtesy and plop your stinking, FESTERING, mugs into the sink.

You know how I know this was the work of one asshole? Forensic slobology my friends. Look at the cascading pattern of mug handles. Clearly those were placed down by one person, judging by the vector of each handle. And, upon measuring the vertices created by said handles, one can deduce that the perpetrator is predominantly right handed. Also fuck face, you had the nerve to put that top "lone wolf" in the sink, 1/4 filled and with a conflicting angle handle for the left hand... unless you put it down first. Clearly this was a premeditated violation of cleanliness.  

Back after a week sabbatical

This is the time of year when everybody in the office gets sick. I wont begin to bitch about people needing to stay home when they are sick, as I have been a key offender when I have had too much to do. I am not sure if the rash of sickness had anything to do with the lack of action in the kitchen, but for some reason things were quiet and I was not driven into a rage last week.

Maybe things would stay that way.

Or I will find a sink loaded with sponges and Baja Fresh cups. Really? Again? And take a look at the orange sponge. That is a fucking pumpkin seed dried to it like vomit on a bathroom stall. Happy Monday you cretins. At least you did not make a single effort to load the dishwasher.

Yep. That is a pile of "clean" dishes. I would not trust the cleanliness of these dishes even if there was a Bunsen burner held to my genitals. And what is that I spy amongst the pile of shady dishes and discarded Chinese food containers? It is an Edible Arrangements mug. Who is drinking out of an Edible Arrangements mug? A moron. That is who.

Its okay you lazy asses. I will load the dishwasher. Don't lift a finger.